ma 2013 nightmare : month of MAY

MAY itself isn't my nightmare
but assignments due date all find their positions in May makes the month a nightmare to me.

2nd week of may :
- bioinformatics report 750 words
- biotechnology assignment 2500 words

biotechnology assignment is the hardest one i have for this semester
because
i've no basic background of business at all
i've no idea what the hell is share price
i've no idea what shareholders are doing
i've no idea what's on the chart showing share prices up and down and up or down in the future?
i've no idea wad's the financial position of a big company (damn it i chose a big company)
i've no idea how to get a solid idea of the structure of the company
i've no idea why they separate into management team and board team?
I'VE SO MANY NO IDEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


3rd week of may :
- Japanese culture project phase 3 600 words (needa have meeting with members to finish the writing)
- Mid sem test for two biochem subjects
- Food assignment 1000 words

They are quite relaxing if compared to biotech. but that Food assignment.....i haven't started yet. not even touching it. it's about nutritional value of insects to be added into food in Aus.
and the MIDSEM TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uuuggh....
cuz i didn't do well in my previous mid sem test (part one). this coming ones are part two.

4th week of may :
- Food quiz
- molecular assignment 1500 words
- Japanese speaking test (take two weeks. depends on when is my turn)

food quiz is still ok. really can goyang kaki a bit for that quiz.
but the assignment is the standard heavy one though not as heavy as biotech one.
the MOST SCARIEST thing for me is the SPEAKING TEST!!!!!
CUZ IT'S ONE TO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you need to speak fluent japanese language with various vocab and most importantly the grammar!!!!!! to speak like....at least three sentences, which means a short paragraph on a topic.
though there'll be part that teacher ask you questions and you answer...but there's part where you need to speak longer on a topic.
that's so scary.

my speaking test is always the weakest......
i'm so scared of speaking test.
i cant speak nice japanese without a proper script.
i can read well but not speak on my own!!!!

aaaaaaaah!!!!!!

month that full of stress

i'll go through it.
but i want to go through it excellently.

TT_TT

sent ma info

had sent my info....well...my cv to my lecturer to apply for a casual job in the lab.

i don't have a sold aim to wish for.

because

if i get the job, i'm able to get the precious experience, increase my value for my future when i seek for proper job, and get some money which i've always been looking for. how can i not earning money in Aus while most of the students are?

and i was thinking of applying for internship just to get the experience, to increase my value for future. but internship is damn hard to get and since this opportunity comes, why not grab it?

if i didn't get the job, i get back my holiday during year end, so that i can go back to enjoy my most favourite food : Kolo mee (only available in Kuching, Sarawak, Msia).

and i can have crazy fun with my friends. i can celebrate CNY. and i wont need to surfer thru the crazy summer in Aus.

after sending the Cv, just let it be. let ma fate shows the pathway.

and now, focus on my assignments and MST

sense the danger

when someone suddenly comes out with some action/idea
they're on something secretly.

they will do many things to dig out something they're interested in

omg................

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

i shouldn't say them out loud!

should give up

thinking of wad i'm going to do...

i might not be able to go back hometown like what i said to friends before i left.
i might not be going back for 2 years continuously.

why?
i'm going to write my CV and send to my lecturer, applying for a "part time" job in the famous biochem institute.
if i get the job, it might starts in june or july....
then it'll take one year.

this takes up my winter and summer holiday. till the next winter holiday.
and i don't think i'm going back during winter holiday.

let's assume i'm going back every year end.
skipping this year end. it takes me two years to another year end.

just like what i said
i might take two years not going back
not seeing my friends
not having fun with my lovely PA gp members
not having kolomee (my most favourite kuching food)

and if i continue to Master program

i'll take another two years to stay in Aus. but for sure i'll go back...i think
cuz i don't have any plan for year end yet.
and i will try to avoid any plan that falls on that duration.

i want go back.
i want faidi go back.

anyway...talk back to the topic

though i said i'll let the feeling fade out
but
it seems like i tak rela to let it go

but these days...
a while happy a while thinking we might have future
a while thinking we don't have future
so let go.

now...it seems like i should really let go....

I'm actually a coward

After telling some girl-friends bout my story....
they all have the same reaction
"TELL HIM!"

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i DONT DARE TO DO THAT!

I....I.... that day i did it because of some special reasons.
after that, it's like i'd exploded. and so...no more next time. that's the only one time.

i'm not going to do that again.
no matter how many ask me to do it.

i'll die doing that.
it's the same like asking me to jump from the highest building in this world.

no way.
i don't want to do that.
I DONT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll rather keep this thing in my heart till it fades out!!!!!

Ok i admit it...

i admit.....i.........

i............erm..........

i like someone.
and i thought i'd already forgotten him.

but recently....when talked bout this topic with a friend in uni...
and when i saw someone looks very similar to him

i realize i haven't forgotten him.

ok now i know it's so hard to forget someone.
it's so easy for me to forget one thing...
but probably because i can remember a person without name easily and forever.

cuz till now i still can remember the best friends i had from kindergarten time. just that i'd forgotten their names.
but i remember them.


my friend suggested me to tell him face-to-face bout my feeling.

i don't dare.

i seems like a BRAVE WARRIOR but actually i'm just a coward.
i do everything, prepare everything before hand. if i dun prepare i cant do it.
i wont do it.

i.......
i just can't say it out even whisper...in front of him.

i've decided to let it fade out.
but it seems like it's undergoing some "chemical" reaction and turning into vinegar or alcohol....
the so-called fermentation reaction.

this probably is my first time ever.

till now i'm not pretty sure what exactly is "Like" or "Love" yet
i'm confuse.

i'm not sure if i like a person because he's fun to be together with
or i really like the person, tat's why i feel fun to be with him?
or i like this guy because he's a great friend?
or i just fall in love?

i'd been busy figuring out these things but time passed and nth come out.
so i assume i treat those nice friends really as good friends.
but this guy... i think come to realise i'm actually purely liking him?

he did nothing good on me. he doesnt treat me presents or wadever ....sth good. (and i dun like a person just because they treat me good.)
we just had lots of fun.

at first i tot i like him just because we had lots of fun. like friends.
then i think of him everyday.
get excited to see him.

now then i fly to AUS.
i tot i'll forget him
but it's the opposite.
there's few moments i din think bout him.
but then i miss him again. i used to miss him once a week.
then days....then everyday.

i don't feel torturing with this.
i don't feel wad the others described on fb. say it's torturing to like someone which nth is in return. it's so sad....bla bla bla...sounds so emo. l0l
i only get emo b4 my period starts and after it ends.

considering this...i doubt myself if i really likes him?

i don't want to care anymore. but i keep thinking bout him when i was having class. tat's so annoying. anyway....if i'm not thinking bout him i'll be thinking bout food. i just can't concentrate fully during classes. = =zzz


well..i never tell my jimuisss bout this. ahaha
hmmm...we just happen to not sharing this kind of things with each other?
we might tell "hey. i got a boyfriend" but we don't tell detailed stories.....
err...maybe Lyss will tell some....but not me. not Jodi. ahahaha. Jodi will share some experience.

but me....i'll rather keep my privacy. ahahaha. hehehe. actually i kept lots of secrets.
obviously...cuz Lyss and Sarina are the ones talk the most. Jodi and I talk craziness.
itu maciam.

anyway...i might not tell my jimui once i got a bf. ahahahaha.....maybe few days later....or weeks...or before i get married? ahahaha....but i have to be able to reach that stage first. = =zzz

i'm not desperate for pakto like some guy used to be in my friend list.
i'm just waiting for this long-waiting "thing" comes to me.
i used to say i don't care if it doesn't come.
but think bout my future...i'm a little bit scared.
i don't want to stay alone till 80.
even now i can feel how sad when nobody invites me out because they're busy with their partners. cuz my two sisters owes DID TAT ON ME! damn it.and they DRIVE AWAY CARS! i can't drive my dad's car! - -zzzz and i can't stand to stay at home nothing to do! i'm already no more the age to stay at home, infront of laptop doing fb! gaaaaaaaaaah

well....i'm the kind that has to wait a bit longer cuz itu fate saya.

i tot......?!

i thought my rising sign was Pisces and my moon sign was Scorpion

so it weren't that two!

it's Aries and Aquarius!
= =...double A is nice but aquarius?????????????????????

no wonder i so emo sometimes...l0l
and Aries....?
ok....i am so "bursting out" suddenly and dun hide my anger...

- -"

ok........................................................................................


wadever. just be myself.

I tot i'm cool

我以为我能很潇洒

原来我不能


看到一些东西还是没办法会jealous

behsong behsong

可是我清楚明白那不是我管得着的事
所以也只能jealous
envy
behsong
then forget bout it.

Forget - is my sidekick power!!!!
i can forget things fast. yesh!


亲自感受到了
朋友之间的吃醋

好啦
就酱

反正又不是被朋友抛弃
就算被抛弃
我还有一大帮朋友

朋友可以不断地交

至少人家曾经陪我玩过
这样就够了

只看现在，不远望未来。
过去，默默收在我心里的回忆簿。
有他们，我的回忆簿很漂亮。

I'm sick of emo friends

If you wanna emo, then just emo by yourself. ALONE!
don't think it's necessary for people to kolian you when u're emo.
and don't pull people into ur emo circle!

damn you.

i'm pretty i'm successful
and you jealous you emo
and you blame me for that

what the fuck?
man. i recommend you to seek for doctor for advice for your brain.
what kind of thinking is that?

i know i sounds cruel.

but this is the world.
i'm just playing happily with the rules of the world

i don't think it's reasonable and a "must" for people to take care of people who are weak
why the weak person don't take care of themselves?

i didn't mean the strong one shouldn't help the weak one
i mean, if the strong one isn't there to help, the weak one shouldn't cry out loud and blame the strong one being not there.

the funny thing is, the really weak one kept silent and adapt their own survival way
the strong one pretend to be weak trying to get advantages from the others, even from the weak one.

man. wad's wrong with you?

everyday post in fb saying you're tired, u're exhausted, sounds like ppl around had bullied you till max.
you yourself choose to be like that, and yet you complain it.
you know wad's "slapping on ur face on wad ur mouth said"?

be responsible.

you guys never learn. you guys just know how to say bad things about the others
and never realize the others are having no problem but only you.
and you'll never what that means.
cuz u have problem with your brain.

you know how to share successful people's post.
you know how to share good saying post.
but u're just for the sake of sharing, waiting for 'like' or some comments that will make you happy.
or u just mean to be sarcastic.

i don't care what my best friend did on ur post.
tat guy just comment naively.
if u're not happy, that's your own business.

"see your friend la"
WHAT?! WHAT?! TAK BOLEH KAH!?
say again i'll bite your fingers off! grrrr

don't think i'm like the others around u.
i actually don't care what my friends did what kind of silly things on someone who will get angry and ruin something or wadever.
i respect others. very well.
my friends, same as me, we all own our own freedom.
i might comment on their action
but not to stop them

they choose the action
they have the responsibility

not me.

get to understand the world instead of keep begging for kolian from others and understanding from others.
damn you
PUI!

我其实反应迟钝

其实我就是反应迟钝，动作快的人。
人家以为我很灵敏，头脑转很快，很聪明。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！！！！！！！！！！！

只有自己清楚
我对一件事可能过夜后才领悟重点。

我经常别人跟我说的话，我都是先“嗯”后，回家，睡觉，起床，冲凉，才了解，别人在跟我说什么。

所以我的生活充满误会。


我想，我和那位朋友闹翻，也是因为我的反应迟钝。
搞得他mong cha cha......

而且我也非常容易被别人带走思想

本来我想表达的意思
完全被别人扭曲我还“嗯！”

也就所以，全世界都误会了我。



我也“嗯”太久到我自己也以为我讨厌他的理由是像别人想的那样
后来也就那样表达出来

后来，我成为千古罪人后，才发现自己白痴的忘了自己讨厌他的原因。



之前，来澳洲升学前，人家都会问我去哪里升学。
我说是澳洲后，大家都好奇我是和朋友一起吗？

我是自己一个人过来的。

大家听我说是，都被我的冷脸骗了。

不是我要骗大家。是我的脸本来就慢热。它经常那么冷。

所以大家都以为我已经做足准备自己一个人去澳洲升学。
我的老师还说“你真勇敢”

我真的当下没有领悟。随便的摆出“不这么认为”的样子。一副无所谓的样子。

也就所以大家都以为我很镇定。

可是我到了澳洲才发现它的恐怖。
什么都自己一个人。

其实，我也是到了差不多有一阵子才发现我怎么能够这么一个人做这些事？？？
我才开始醒觉。

看吧，我就是反应迟钝。

这样有好有坏啦。
坏就是随便乱表达，让别人误会。
好是我不会痛苦的过一切。就好像我痛完了才发现我刚刚应该喊痛的。

还有，我经常买了东西，回家后觉得没什么用。过了一阵子，才发现我需要它！！！！然后就找不到了!!!





其实，我很讨厌大家自然的让我背着这么多的责任。
我这辈子最讨厌的就是责任。尤其是跟我无关的。
就是因为只要有责任，我自动就会背上身。

所以才讨厌。
大家都误会我很聪明很能干

其实我是个不想考虑这么多，轻身的到处蹦蹦跳跳的人。

当自由被束缚，我就会发脾气。

最后也只能妥协。
讨厌死。
我这一生，干了这么多，这么多却不是我的。都是为了别人。
更气人的是那张“理所当然”的脸。

说没关系是真的。
说帮助人，很快乐，是真的。

可是不要因为我那时候的乐意，你现在就时不时都拿着一包的负担，硬写上“责任”要我背上。

我是有我自己的时间的人。毕竟我反应慢。我是非常需要时间的人。
当别人要求时，我也不懂拒绝。我只会想办法尽快解决。硬吞。

最后精疲力尽的人是我，你就快乐的收成果。
我丢了我那重要的时间为了你的轻便。
一句谢谢，说真的根本没有办法弥补我的失去。

说实在的，真正认识志勇也让我真正开始学习拿捏。
真的不该为了别人的快乐而放弃自己。

我要把握回我自己的时间！！！！！！！！！！！！！因为我是反应迟钝的人！！！！

你们多可怜也不关我的事！！！！！！！！这世界“同情”是活不下去的！！！！！
到处帮你倒不如冷眼看你自己自己坐在原地哭！因为你终会自己爬起来。
你不爬起来，就去死。

这就是世界。
学学野生动物。
不要忘了世界原来的样子。
没有一定会有别人帮你的道理。

可能从小的环境造成，我超看不起没有办法自力更生的人。
我从小，努力做什么得什么。做不到就什么也没有。
看着别人有妈妈爸爸帮他们完成学校作业，那时候嫉妒。
现在，就是瞧不起。

或许那样的人，让别人怜惜
让别人疼

我就是瞧不起。

我是个长满刺，反应迟钝的白痴。
不是我有距离感，是你太过娇滴滴。
没有办法接近我是你的懦弱。
还在我背后指点我的话，就是你的失败。我的成功。

我就算反应迟钝，也很成功。
只是不能自己一个人做大生意罢了。哈哈哈哈哈
会损失很多。 :p

虽说我反应迟钝，我没有说我的动作也慢。我就是动作比脑袋快的人。
我脑袋也不是一年四季处于“白痴”状态。
它只是慢热。

热起来，经常让我自己爆炸。
然后瞬间冷却。

这就是我。