伤心的一天

不要依赖“修正”。不要太原谅自己每次的过错。
常常对自己说“下次我会做更好”。那只是小时候的事。
长大以后刚要步入社会的时候，没有下次。机会只有一次。
没有练习，只有正式开始和结束。不是不公平，是现实。
自己的不足，既然知道了就赶紧修补，不是期望他人的谅解。
最伤人的不是拒绝，是失望的眼神。就像那句“不要对不起，是我的错。我相信了你。”

喵

我越来越觉得自己像猫~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

喵喵喵

据说
猫有什么变化，人类是很难分得出。
不管它们是开心，伤心，不耐烦，生病等等
主人都很难看的出来

我这个人
有那么多交情很长一段时间的朋友
甚至我家人

好像没有一个能够看得出我的变化

很多时候
我就只是表面上的kixiao
大家都会认为我真的ki xiao

有时候我表面很平静
大家会以为我很镇定
其实我内心澎湃，已经海啸好几遍

就算我内心渴望到要命
我也不会表现得很渴望
甚至很潇洒的说不要紧

这也或许让我生病的时候，看起来不像病人。

生龙活虎
就是我的代表性格吧
再来就是胆大过人

实际上我是个名副其实的胆小鬼

我怕
什么都怕
怕得要命

不过好像没什么人注意过我是个胆小鬼

仔细想想

我认为

大家都不了解我

问问他们就可以知道

我喜欢什么
问再简单一点

我喜欢什么颜色？
什么食物？
什么服装？
什么样的玩具？
什么车？
什么饮料？
什么戏？
什么歌？

大家都会有不一样的答案
然后都不太对

如果有“关于黄诗婷的一切”的考试
我肯定，没有人能够及格。

就像猫那样
主人们都没办法真的了解猫

因为他们都爱自己给猫的性格自己的定义

我的朋友们都喜欢给我的性格定上他们自己认为的定义

也就所以
这世上，没有人，真的懂我是谁。 喵~

舍得

舍得
可以说成
能舍能得

经过时间的冲淡
经过时间的制造

以前一起分享过的思想慢慢不见了
或者说
思想越来越放大

我选择后者

当我和我中学朋友聚一聚
才发现原来我以前没发现过他是这么的想东西

也就所以大家才开始发现
自己的想法和朋友的不同
也就所以之间的距离越来越远

这位朋友呢
我认识得最久
从敌人变朋友
大家都告诉我们
我们俩最后会在一起。故事都是这么说的。

我说...你们又不是我，怎么那么有自信说这种没有理的话？
看吧
我自己比较准
我们现在又闹不合。
或许是我的问题
我不觉得他的玩笑很好笑
因为他随便开的玩笑 给我带来很多的麻烦。
因为其他人都会当真。

也就所以
我们俩之间发生了种种不愉快
其实就我很不愉快
所以我现在当我失去这个朋友

我的性格吧
让大家常常认为我做的所有事都不是认真地
当我block他时，大家也就当我闹闹脾气。
我是认真的
不想看到这个人
因为他经常说些让我不好受的话
他的每一步都踩在我的地雷上
还深深影响我其他朋友对我的想法
也不管我说什么
大家都听不进。
我天生没有说服力吧。

当我失去这个朋友时
我交了个新的好友。
不是普通
是——好友

要当我好友不简单
可是这个朋友本来就不简单
我们两个也就很快的变很好
她的性格和那个chao ah kua可以说是完全相反
跟我有些相似
我最欣赏她的本事和斗志
我喜欢她的正面思想和能量
正是那个抓错奶的chao ah kua没有的

所谓能舍能得
我失去了玩在一起很久了的朋友
交了个新好朋友

这多好。

my first made kimchi

since it's holiday...it's a great time to deal with kimchi!!!! learnt kimchi making from Maangchi's video from youtube!!! so cool!!!! so nice!!!! ya hoooo!!!! hahahaha....smells good.

now waiting for the fermentation to go on...so that i can get really really nice kimchi~~~

and wait for my friends to come back from holiday activities...

deliver to them to share~~~ if my kimchi turns out well. ngehehe...

Still sensitive enough...

Not only can read face for hidden feelings and motives....

I can even sense a person's emotion and thinking over their words....or should say...by reading their response.

I shouldl learn to ignore or use this as my power for my future business strategy?

I don't know...

So many years already...keep reading and reading...and take my steps extremely careful to avoid people get emotionally disturbed

But now I realise there's no need for me to do so.

Cuz most of the people in this world don't give a fuck of what others think and feel

Just live your own way.

People who don't really care bout others but do their best in everything...worried over their own things are the people that live the most freely and have most freedom....

I feel like living that way also...but sometimes I just fail to ignore one's emotion.

And sometimes even get frustrated cuz of that person's emotion.

What the hell...

I should just do whatever I want and feel like doing.

Why should I get upset because a person isn't happy with sth that I'm not involved?

And when friend ask for opinion, I gave critical comments (I'm too honest? Nah...for others, I'm just too kepo) and I can sense the not happy feeling from them.....even though they show no expression or don't reply a word. Well these tells a lot already.

Well...if you wan to ask me, I'll say it out loud....not for the purpose to hurt you. I don't say things that I don't think so...

If you expect nice comments that can make you feel happy...sorry I'm really not the person.

I just can't say pretty words. I just feel it and keep silent when I see sth good. Well...I'll only yell out loud by typing. I won't say such things with my mouth....unless I go crazy and 'lost consciousness'.

Anyway....from now on I'll live my own way...won't consider much for the others. No point to do that.

Friends....pun aneh la....there's no fixed rule to be a friend. Who says friends must share things together? I don't~~~~ hahaha....and I don't feel sorry to my friends who don't know much of my secrets. Cuz i think that's not necessary to maintain a friendship.

As long as we are happy together...we know each other...we contact each other...we chat non stop....

Why bother bout sharing secrets? They do keep secrets from me too~ haha....

さようなら

Comes to end already.

Been in Melbourne for 2 years already

Been studying Japanese for 1.5 years....now has come to end

Every time study early in the morning it just reminds me of how enjoy I study Japanese with hot coffee and nice weather.

Now I don't need to study Japanese

I need to study all science subjects.....

Just feel sad I need to say bye bye to Japanese.

To be honest, those Japanese teachers are so strict but responsible and well organised.

They are the only team of teachers I like in my UNI life.

Last year I sent gift for my sensei - tachi...this year I feel like sending too but lack of time.

Though we didn't interact closely to those two teachers this year as compared to last year..

But I like these two teachers though they are so strict and sounds scary when comes to tests...

Still they are much better than any of my science teachers. I guess because we are much closer...but my science teachers are more distant cuz they are just giving lectures instead of giving small class of tutorials.

Now don't need to care for Japanese just feel a bit sad. A little bit la...

But I think I may go back library borrow the book to get answer for my Japanese book, so that when I want to study them, I can correct the exercises by myself.

Nice breath subjects. The best I had.

Bye bye yo.

Unexpected

I'd been guessing myself to let go things easily

I never expect

I'm still into it after half of the year already.

Though not that strong like before...

Till I thought I had already had it gone from my grab

But now still can sense it sometimes

That it's still within my palm

It's me don't want to let it go

Or it doesn't want to leave?

And what a coincidence that the moment I fall for him I also fall for Jam Hsiao.

And yesterday just found out they are so similar

I fall for him because of Hsiao or I fall for Hsiao because of him?

AAah...whatever

Just like what the others say

KOI is not what you can have theories on, make prediction out of it or know clearly what is happening.

It always happen just like that without you notice.

I guess...thanks to that two i now know what is my taste...LOL

Shy boy with monster inside. A monster who is so kind and cute.

I like weirdos....nice looking weirdos. Haha

傀儡

我从出生就带着艺术气息（这种话能自己说吗？）

只能说可惜了 我成长的环境 是排斥艺术的人事物

我也就从小开始走向 科学

殊不知 这条路才难走

却只让我在21年后才发现

一位自己能驾驭 却被它爬上了我的背

我会走上这条路 放弃我那 异想天开 爱玩线条和颜色 的世界

都是因为 当年对世界没有多少认知 也太多人 期盼着我 走向 科学 这条路

因为 从小 大家 都认为 能进理科班都是聪明的小孩

学校的精英班也都是理科班。

好笑吧

把那些有天份的孩子都忽略了

我算是被大家的期盼推向理科

结果最后自己想要什么也都变得不清楚了

要毕业了。

脚快踏进社会了

开始想想我能干什么

然后发现以我现在的能力

我几乎什么也干不了

只不过是会读书的傀儡罢了

我的天分也只是那么的半天吊

得意了吧

当初你们的期盼 现在变成我的绝望

你们还要看不起我

不管我做得再好 你们永远当我不懂事

没有错

我是不懂事 因为你们一言一语 不断指挥我怎么做事

我都已经不见了我的头 怎么还能希望我懂事？

我只伤心我那白白浪费了的22岁月。

这世界

只有我老爸说得贴切

他说马来西亚仍然没有办法支持搞艺术的人们

有也很难轮到我

生意比较吃香

我不是不听他的话，只是我这个人做生意只能是个给点子的人

不能单独做

会把好处都给别人

还不懂的经营钱财

不懂的怎么把钱存着，然后把钱换钱。

现在也只能继续走前。

听天由命。

我在等待

站好好
准备好

我在等着

对方的 sayonara

我再挥手
鞠躬

走。



可是站太久
等太久

不知道对方到底是有要说bye bye的意思还是没有

我已经没法决定

要走前去
还是上火车到远方去
再也不见面了？

不管是走前去还是离开

我都准备好了

可以不要让我不明白你的意思
自己在那里猜个上下吗？

我还真希望自己可以狠一点
看对方这样
就不要等了

自己推后，鞠躬
离开

向另一个蓝天白云招手去

我想我还在原地前不前，退不退的
是因为
我
看不到
火车前往的那头，

真的有另一片蓝天白云吗？

我在这个世界活了那么久
如果离开了

就像以前的人，把酿了的“女儿红”倒了。全倒了。

原来是个醋坛子

没有想到

会那么不爽到
很不爽————————————————————————！！！

好啦，我中文不好。词穷又怎么样了吗？哼！








如果要让我不高兴
做些我喜欢的事，让我吃醋，你就成功了。

容易吧。


人人觉得我很厉害的样子，很坚硬的样子，很勇士的样子。
殊不知，
我胆小得要命。很容易被击败。更对很多事都不了解，所以没有很厉害。

很多时候，
都是装的。

装很乐观
装很调皮
装很敢玩
装什么都不怕




在做那些事，你亲自测了我的心跳吗？


所以，看到朋友和其他人那么亲
我表面看起来什么都不在乎


可是独处的时候
看着Fb....不会火冒三丈
可是很不爽
超级不爽

可是怪不了什么人
因为别人难道不可以有自己的朋友吗？
跟自己发火也不会过瘾

所以更闷

这火焖着
醋就开始发酵了。
他妈的......

一直都在

我以为飘走了

却在这种时候回来。















本当に…好きですか？
知りません！！！！

累了

五月才来到中间
我感觉已经快结束了。


猛地被功课考试敲击

能熬过我很骄傲。
可是出来的成绩不漂亮
让人骄傲不起来

我在努力完成我的事情
就算我有些勉强

我很讨厌人家说“追你的梦想。学你想学的。做你喜欢做的工作”
没有错
可是这是抛开这世界所说的话

被荆棘不断的磨损你每一寸肌肉组织

听到这种话你只会不屑

我有我喜欢做的事
我有我自己的梦想

可是我也非常清楚明白摆在梦想前端的血淋淋现实


老实说
我看不起
看不见未来问题的存在，然后在当下大声地说出自以为是的自信，最后和问题撞面了，委屈的求救命/诉苦/抱不平。

因为我恰恰相反。
我能瞄多远就多远
不瞄太久
看见了的和没看见的
我都会为了和它们的见面尽可能准备好。
决定了，出发。遇见了，面对。

我不让自己说出“我后悔了”

我其实也讨厌在生活上讨论功课的小细节
感觉还长不大
比这个 比那个

我现在比较处于分享我所知道的
如果别人和我分享的是against的
我不会“你懂屁啊！” 而是，为什么会有这两种对不到的说法？然后好奇想了解这两种说法。

可是常常因为对方的心态，我也被牵着进入那种“我讲的才是对的！”心态。
事后会觉得我他妈的白痴。

现在，
刚刚考完试。
是我痛苦的挤出时间，两天半完成学习的。
自然学的不好。

两个考试
一个感觉还对得起自己

一个感觉太差，不仅对不起自己，也对不起老师们。

两个星期。
赶完了4个Assignment，两个考试。
接下来还有两个Quiz（交给同伴了），两个Assignment，还有speaking test.
最可怕的就是Speaking test
英文speaking test就够让我紧张的了，更何况是才学了一年半的日语。
这个test为什么那么可怕呢？
就是一个被迫学会站起来的小鬼到80岁的ahgong面前演讲。内容包含伟大人物的伟大字语。成语，谚语等等。
好啦，只是比喻。
可是这个Speaking test真的不是
“你好。我是阿黄。我今年20岁。在猫本上学。是马来西亚公民。”
如果我说这个，老师会翻白眼要我回家好好期待我的零分。

不过在继续之前
我需要大量休息。
可是功课截止紧迫，我只好把“大量”转成“爆发”。
就是短暂的“爆发”型休息。

看runningman，玩大战游戏，开fb和朋友聊天。吃yoghurt。睡大觉。

累了，又怎么样？
人生没有 倒退。
没有U turn的选择，有high way的选择。

这条路不是我的“兴趣”
又怎么样？
像你们喜欢说的“只会越来越累”有怎么样？

我已经走到这里了。
多余的话，我真的·一·点·都·不·喜·欢！

ma 2013 nightmare : month of MAY

MAY itself isn't my nightmare
but assignments due date all find their positions in May makes the month a nightmare to me.

2nd week of may :
- bioinformatics report 750 words
- biotechnology assignment 2500 words

biotechnology assignment is the hardest one i have for this semester
because
i've no basic background of business at all
i've no idea what the hell is share price
i've no idea what shareholders are doing
i've no idea what's on the chart showing share prices up and down and up or down in the future?
i've no idea wad's the financial position of a big company (damn it i chose a big company)
i've no idea how to get a solid idea of the structure of the company
i've no idea why they separate into management team and board team?
I'VE SO MANY NO IDEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


3rd week of may :
- Japanese culture project phase 3 600 words (needa have meeting with members to finish the writing)
- Mid sem test for two biochem subjects
- Food assignment 1000 words

They are quite relaxing if compared to biotech. but that Food assignment.....i haven't started yet. not even touching it. it's about nutritional value of insects to be added into food in Aus.
and the MIDSEM TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uuuggh....
cuz i didn't do well in my previous mid sem test (part one). this coming ones are part two.

4th week of may :
- Food quiz
- molecular assignment 1500 words
- Japanese speaking test (take two weeks. depends on when is my turn)

food quiz is still ok. really can goyang kaki a bit for that quiz.
but the assignment is the standard heavy one though not as heavy as biotech one.
the MOST SCARIEST thing for me is the SPEAKING TEST!!!!!
CUZ IT'S ONE TO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you need to speak fluent japanese language with various vocab and most importantly the grammar!!!!!! to speak like....at least three sentences, which means a short paragraph on a topic.
though there'll be part that teacher ask you questions and you answer...but there's part where you need to speak longer on a topic.
that's so scary.

my speaking test is always the weakest......
i'm so scared of speaking test.
i cant speak nice japanese without a proper script.
i can read well but not speak on my own!!!!

aaaaaaaah!!!!!!

month that full of stress

i'll go through it.
but i want to go through it excellently.

TT_TT

sent ma info

had sent my info....well...my cv to my lecturer to apply for a casual job in the lab.

i don't have a sold aim to wish for.

because

if i get the job, i'm able to get the precious experience, increase my value for my future when i seek for proper job, and get some money which i've always been looking for. how can i not earning money in Aus while most of the students are?

and i was thinking of applying for internship just to get the experience, to increase my value for future. but internship is damn hard to get and since this opportunity comes, why not grab it?

if i didn't get the job, i get back my holiday during year end, so that i can go back to enjoy my most favourite food : Kolo mee (only available in Kuching, Sarawak, Msia).

and i can have crazy fun with my friends. i can celebrate CNY. and i wont need to surfer thru the crazy summer in Aus.

after sending the Cv, just let it be. let ma fate shows the pathway.

and now, focus on my assignments and MST

sense the danger

when someone suddenly comes out with some action/idea
they're on something secretly.

they will do many things to dig out something they're interested in

omg................

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

i shouldn't say them out loud!

should give up

thinking of wad i'm going to do...

i might not be able to go back hometown like what i said to friends before i left.
i might not be going back for 2 years continuously.

why?
i'm going to write my CV and send to my lecturer, applying for a "part time" job in the famous biochem institute.
if i get the job, it might starts in june or july....
then it'll take one year.

this takes up my winter and summer holiday. till the next winter holiday.
and i don't think i'm going back during winter holiday.

let's assume i'm going back every year end.
skipping this year end. it takes me two years to another year end.

just like what i said
i might take two years not going back
not seeing my friends
not having fun with my lovely PA gp members
not having kolomee (my most favourite kuching food)

and if i continue to Master program

i'll take another two years to stay in Aus. but for sure i'll go back...i think
cuz i don't have any plan for year end yet.
and i will try to avoid any plan that falls on that duration.

i want go back.
i want faidi go back.

anyway...talk back to the topic

though i said i'll let the feeling fade out
but
it seems like i tak rela to let it go

but these days...
a while happy a while thinking we might have future
a while thinking we don't have future
so let go.

now...it seems like i should really let go....

I'm actually a coward

After telling some girl-friends bout my story....
they all have the same reaction
"TELL HIM!"

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i DONT DARE TO DO THAT!

I....I.... that day i did it because of some special reasons.
after that, it's like i'd exploded. and so...no more next time. that's the only one time.

i'm not going to do that again.
no matter how many ask me to do it.

i'll die doing that.
it's the same like asking me to jump from the highest building in this world.

no way.
i don't want to do that.
I DONT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll rather keep this thing in my heart till it fades out!!!!!

Ok i admit it...

i admit.....i.........

i............erm..........

i like someone.
and i thought i'd already forgotten him.

but recently....when talked bout this topic with a friend in uni...
and when i saw someone looks very similar to him

i realize i haven't forgotten him.

ok now i know it's so hard to forget someone.
it's so easy for me to forget one thing...
but probably because i can remember a person without name easily and forever.

cuz till now i still can remember the best friends i had from kindergarten time. just that i'd forgotten their names.
but i remember them.


my friend suggested me to tell him face-to-face bout my feeling.

i don't dare.

i seems like a BRAVE WARRIOR but actually i'm just a coward.
i do everything, prepare everything before hand. if i dun prepare i cant do it.
i wont do it.

i.......
i just can't say it out even whisper...in front of him.

i've decided to let it fade out.
but it seems like it's undergoing some "chemical" reaction and turning into vinegar or alcohol....
the so-called fermentation reaction.

this probably is my first time ever.

till now i'm not pretty sure what exactly is "Like" or "Love" yet
i'm confuse.

i'm not sure if i like a person because he's fun to be together with
or i really like the person, tat's why i feel fun to be with him?
or i like this guy because he's a great friend?
or i just fall in love?

i'd been busy figuring out these things but time passed and nth come out.
so i assume i treat those nice friends really as good friends.
but this guy... i think come to realise i'm actually purely liking him?

he did nothing good on me. he doesnt treat me presents or wadever ....sth good. (and i dun like a person just because they treat me good.)
we just had lots of fun.

at first i tot i like him just because we had lots of fun. like friends.
then i think of him everyday.
get excited to see him.

now then i fly to AUS.
i tot i'll forget him
but it's the opposite.
there's few moments i din think bout him.
but then i miss him again. i used to miss him once a week.
then days....then everyday.

i don't feel torturing with this.
i don't feel wad the others described on fb. say it's torturing to like someone which nth is in return. it's so sad....bla bla bla...sounds so emo. l0l
i only get emo b4 my period starts and after it ends.

considering this...i doubt myself if i really likes him?

i don't want to care anymore. but i keep thinking bout him when i was having class. tat's so annoying. anyway....if i'm not thinking bout him i'll be thinking bout food. i just can't concentrate fully during classes. = =zzz


well..i never tell my jimuisss bout this. ahaha
hmmm...we just happen to not sharing this kind of things with each other?
we might tell "hey. i got a boyfriend" but we don't tell detailed stories.....
err...maybe Lyss will tell some....but not me. not Jodi. ahahaha. Jodi will share some experience.

but me....i'll rather keep my privacy. ahahaha. hehehe. actually i kept lots of secrets.
obviously...cuz Lyss and Sarina are the ones talk the most. Jodi and I talk craziness.
itu maciam.

anyway...i might not tell my jimui once i got a bf. ahahahaha.....maybe few days later....or weeks...or before i get married? ahahaha....but i have to be able to reach that stage first. = =zzz

i'm not desperate for pakto like some guy used to be in my friend list.
i'm just waiting for this long-waiting "thing" comes to me.
i used to say i don't care if it doesn't come.
but think bout my future...i'm a little bit scared.
i don't want to stay alone till 80.
even now i can feel how sad when nobody invites me out because they're busy with their partners. cuz my two sisters owes DID TAT ON ME! damn it.and they DRIVE AWAY CARS! i can't drive my dad's car! - -zzzz and i can't stand to stay at home nothing to do! i'm already no more the age to stay at home, infront of laptop doing fb! gaaaaaaaaaah

well....i'm the kind that has to wait a bit longer cuz itu fate saya.

i tot......?!

i thought my rising sign was Pisces and my moon sign was Scorpion

so it weren't that two!

it's Aries and Aquarius!
= =...double A is nice but aquarius?????????????????????

no wonder i so emo sometimes...l0l
and Aries....?
ok....i am so "bursting out" suddenly and dun hide my anger...

- -"

ok........................................................................................


wadever. just be myself.

I tot i'm cool

我以为我能很潇洒

原来我不能


看到一些东西还是没办法会jealous

behsong behsong

可是我清楚明白那不是我管得着的事
所以也只能jealous
envy
behsong
then forget bout it.

Forget - is my sidekick power!!!!
i can forget things fast. yesh!


亲自感受到了
朋友之间的吃醋

好啦
就酱

反正又不是被朋友抛弃
就算被抛弃
我还有一大帮朋友

朋友可以不断地交

至少人家曾经陪我玩过
这样就够了

只看现在，不远望未来。
过去，默默收在我心里的回忆簿。
有他们，我的回忆簿很漂亮。

I'm sick of emo friends

If you wanna emo, then just emo by yourself. ALONE!
don't think it's necessary for people to kolian you when u're emo.
and don't pull people into ur emo circle!

damn you.

i'm pretty i'm successful
and you jealous you emo
and you blame me for that

what the fuck?
man. i recommend you to seek for doctor for advice for your brain.
what kind of thinking is that?

i know i sounds cruel.

but this is the world.
i'm just playing happily with the rules of the world

i don't think it's reasonable and a "must" for people to take care of people who are weak
why the weak person don't take care of themselves?

i didn't mean the strong one shouldn't help the weak one
i mean, if the strong one isn't there to help, the weak one shouldn't cry out loud and blame the strong one being not there.

the funny thing is, the really weak one kept silent and adapt their own survival way
the strong one pretend to be weak trying to get advantages from the others, even from the weak one.

man. wad's wrong with you?

everyday post in fb saying you're tired, u're exhausted, sounds like ppl around had bullied you till max.
you yourself choose to be like that, and yet you complain it.
you know wad's "slapping on ur face on wad ur mouth said"?

be responsible.

you guys never learn. you guys just know how to say bad things about the others
and never realize the others are having no problem but only you.
and you'll never what that means.
cuz u have problem with your brain.

you know how to share successful people's post.
you know how to share good saying post.
but u're just for the sake of sharing, waiting for 'like' or some comments that will make you happy.
or u just mean to be sarcastic.

i don't care what my best friend did on ur post.
tat guy just comment naively.
if u're not happy, that's your own business.

"see your friend la"
WHAT?! WHAT?! TAK BOLEH KAH!?
say again i'll bite your fingers off! grrrr

don't think i'm like the others around u.
i actually don't care what my friends did what kind of silly things on someone who will get angry and ruin something or wadever.
i respect others. very well.
my friends, same as me, we all own our own freedom.
i might comment on their action
but not to stop them

they choose the action
they have the responsibility

not me.

get to understand the world instead of keep begging for kolian from others and understanding from others.
damn you
PUI!

我其实反应迟钝

其实我就是反应迟钝，动作快的人。
人家以为我很灵敏，头脑转很快，很聪明。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！！！！！！！！！！！

只有自己清楚
我对一件事可能过夜后才领悟重点。

我经常别人跟我说的话，我都是先“嗯”后，回家，睡觉，起床，冲凉，才了解，别人在跟我说什么。

所以我的生活充满误会。


我想，我和那位朋友闹翻，也是因为我的反应迟钝。
搞得他mong cha cha......

而且我也非常容易被别人带走思想

本来我想表达的意思
完全被别人扭曲我还“嗯！”

也就所以，全世界都误会了我。



我也“嗯”太久到我自己也以为我讨厌他的理由是像别人想的那样
后来也就那样表达出来

后来，我成为千古罪人后，才发现自己白痴的忘了自己讨厌他的原因。



之前，来澳洲升学前，人家都会问我去哪里升学。
我说是澳洲后，大家都好奇我是和朋友一起吗？

我是自己一个人过来的。

大家听我说是，都被我的冷脸骗了。

不是我要骗大家。是我的脸本来就慢热。它经常那么冷。

所以大家都以为我已经做足准备自己一个人去澳洲升学。
我的老师还说“你真勇敢”

我真的当下没有领悟。随便的摆出“不这么认为”的样子。一副无所谓的样子。

也就所以大家都以为我很镇定。

可是我到了澳洲才发现它的恐怖。
什么都自己一个人。

其实，我也是到了差不多有一阵子才发现我怎么能够这么一个人做这些事？？？
我才开始醒觉。

看吧，我就是反应迟钝。

这样有好有坏啦。
坏就是随便乱表达，让别人误会。
好是我不会痛苦的过一切。就好像我痛完了才发现我刚刚应该喊痛的。

还有，我经常买了东西，回家后觉得没什么用。过了一阵子，才发现我需要它！！！！然后就找不到了!!!





其实，我很讨厌大家自然的让我背着这么多的责任。
我这辈子最讨厌的就是责任。尤其是跟我无关的。
就是因为只要有责任，我自动就会背上身。

所以才讨厌。
大家都误会我很聪明很能干

其实我是个不想考虑这么多，轻身的到处蹦蹦跳跳的人。

当自由被束缚，我就会发脾气。

最后也只能妥协。
讨厌死。
我这一生，干了这么多，这么多却不是我的。都是为了别人。
更气人的是那张“理所当然”的脸。

说没关系是真的。
说帮助人，很快乐，是真的。

可是不要因为我那时候的乐意，你现在就时不时都拿着一包的负担，硬写上“责任”要我背上。

我是有我自己的时间的人。毕竟我反应慢。我是非常需要时间的人。
当别人要求时，我也不懂拒绝。我只会想办法尽快解决。硬吞。

最后精疲力尽的人是我，你就快乐的收成果。
我丢了我那重要的时间为了你的轻便。
一句谢谢，说真的根本没有办法弥补我的失去。

说实在的，真正认识志勇也让我真正开始学习拿捏。
真的不该为了别人的快乐而放弃自己。

我要把握回我自己的时间！！！！！！！！！！！！！因为我是反应迟钝的人！！！！

你们多可怜也不关我的事！！！！！！！！这世界“同情”是活不下去的！！！！！
到处帮你倒不如冷眼看你自己自己坐在原地哭！因为你终会自己爬起来。
你不爬起来，就去死。

这就是世界。
学学野生动物。
不要忘了世界原来的样子。
没有一定会有别人帮你的道理。

可能从小的环境造成，我超看不起没有办法自力更生的人。
我从小，努力做什么得什么。做不到就什么也没有。
看着别人有妈妈爸爸帮他们完成学校作业，那时候嫉妒。
现在，就是瞧不起。

或许那样的人，让别人怜惜
让别人疼

我就是瞧不起。

我是个长满刺，反应迟钝的白痴。
不是我有距离感，是你太过娇滴滴。
没有办法接近我是你的懦弱。
还在我背后指点我的话，就是你的失败。我的成功。

我就算反应迟钝，也很成功。
只是不能自己一个人做大生意罢了。哈哈哈哈哈
会损失很多。 :p

虽说我反应迟钝，我没有说我的动作也慢。我就是动作比脑袋快的人。
我脑袋也不是一年四季处于“白痴”状态。
它只是慢热。

热起来，经常让我自己爆炸。
然后瞬间冷却。

这就是我。

想念咖啡

话说....我好像没有认真的品尝Piccolo的咖啡。
我对咖啡很挑
只是没有表现出来

我也没有很懂咖啡

曾经何时，这杯咖啡被加了另一种难以忘怀的味道——故事

我只是想在喝咖啡时，
是早晨
有凉凉的天气
舒服的风景
平静的四周

手里一定要有书和笔。

不是想读书
我没有那么有文明

是想写写，画画...

那种时候，心情最佳。


好几次，想喝咖啡，
最后喝到了，却只是喝到了。

心情什么都没有。

我很奇怪
因为我有艺术家的脾气

我讨厌
我要好好享受时，
别人在看着。

就算是认真画画，认真享受吹海风...
别人看着，
我的mood“咻”一下不见了。
灵感飞上了天，再也不回到我这里落脚。

所以，我才会说
“我想去日本。一个人拿着相机就去了”
我的重点——“一个人”
哈哈哈 可是没有人听出来吧
我也不想太hurt人说“不要！不要跟我一起去！”

可是我的理智告诉我
我不能自己一个人去
除非我很熟日本

我常常觉得我是一个处在梦幻和现实之间的“灰色地带”的人

我很爱幻想
我的幻想世界可以成为宇宙的一颗星
我很现实
现实到我的朋友每次都想打我

认真的在聊现实生活的事，我不会拿梦幻世界里的逻辑混浊在谈话中。

可是当我决定陷入梦幻世界时，
我只想自己一个人

不想别人随时都能喷我冷水。

我难搞
可是我又没有叫你搞我
鸡婆屁！ :P


下次
我想好好学好我的吉他
不想辜负我那么帅的“顺风”小帅哥~
俊翰用它都比我用得多

我要学好卢广仲的歌！
我想在下一次的旅行之路，可以有背景音乐。

仲間（なかま）

去年参加生活营，硬着头皮，厚着脸皮进了我自己也没想过的“音响组”。

没想到在那里学了很多，也交到很好的朋友们。

我想
这些朋友
就算他们背叛我
或者‘利用’我
或者从来都没有认真地和我交朋友

我都不会忘记我快乐的和他们度过的一切

他们是我会流泪说再见的朋友。
我才不管他们当我什么。
我也不管以后我会不会对他们冷漠

我不会忘记。
至少，我不愿意忘记
我交了很棒的朋友。
我很喜欢他们。


今年2013年，
年尾想必会有生活营，除非有意外。

我其实，去年已经打算让2012年的生活营当我告别舞台。
我在心里跟那个地方说了 sayonara.
Sayonara 是日语的“拜拜”，不是“再见”。是用在再也难见面的告别上。

可是交了的那些朋友，让我犹豫不决。

每每都想回去，只为了见见他们。

所以，这次如果有生活营，我真的无法决定我要不要参与。
除非理事会坦白和我说“我们不需要你的参与”
那我会很潇洒的离开。

可是，如果我参与，我又是以什么身份？

我不想回去当辅导员了。team已经不同。Beats也换了。不是我疯得起来，提得起劲的地方。
我也不想做厨房或行堂。
更不想参与法器组。
手语？算了吧。

团康？哈哈哈哈哈....我是爱玩的人。让别人玩，一点也不好玩。


音响组...我只怕自己是个麻烦。虽然很好玩，因为有nakama在。

就...................................................我也不知道了。
千言万语，到了嘴边，就变成了“不知道，唉”




随便吧。
以后的样子，以后瞧。
现在伸长脖子也看不见。
与其浪费时间预算以后的事，倒不如珍惜现在。

我现在......................很爱我的nakama。

なかまが大好き！！！！！大大大好きーーーーーーーーーーーーー！

我心灰灰。心冷冷

一直坚持帮助快倒的家

怎么知道

自己发现

帮忙守护的那个家
竟然是贼屋

瞬间





我心冷冷灰灰。

看见那些人

我不禁无力的笑





不了我
别笑我

可笑的是你

One month spent in Kuching

活在当下


这句话听了几年。。。

不懂几年

直到2012开始慢慢了解

be back for 3 months

i used to think it's quite long.
i'll be lazy and brain don't think...will slowly become stupid.

but did quite a lot of things already for the one month ....

i guess....
3 months are gonna be short for me.

luckily i forced myself to join the camp
i'm happy that i enjoyed the camp
though i dun really joined the activities

but i enjoyed the every moment of being together with my PA system team members~
we had stupid fun
we created our interesting stories~

i live the every moment of my life.....
even the boring moment in my sis cafe. (customers dun come every second)
i did some DIY
i sketch some random drawings~
chat with my sis to update myself with the info when i was not in Kuching.
chit chat with frens who visited my sis cafe.

now i wanna make my january interesting as well
help sifu with her 桃花园
have fun with my friends
learn things from them

This is really out of expectation

who will ever expect me to join PA team? help them with PA system
help them with the heavy decoration thingy.

well...tat's me.
i like to learn things tat never come to my head b4......

活到老学到老
每分每秒都在学习
享受每一秒

我要活在当下

stay in Aus and get a part time job doesnt mean i can really learn things.
come back to Kuching and stay here idly...doesnt mean i learn nothing.
Things are random
they change often

Hence, there are things for us to learn.
It depends on us whether we see it or not.

Enjoy while learning...tat's my style.
Blindly learning....i think tat's stupid.
Blindly enjoy....i think tat's wasteful. 泛滥~

I don't care what's your opinion of me staying in Kuching for 3 months....
I know i learnt a lot, see a lot, heard a lot, feel a lot in Kuching.
I didn't waste my time in Kuching.
I'm gaining experience every moment in my life.

Things are there. Depends on u picked it up or didn't.
I'd picked as much as i can.

I'm dare to tell you....I'd grew up a lot.
And i'm going to grow up more...

Question me? Question yourself first.